Day 2. October 14, 2009

Look at me. Blogging for the second day in a row. I’m proud of myself for this.

Lately I have regained some focus at my job. For the longest time, I have been struggling to make it through the day. I assume it is true boredom. It has been over 9 years since I have started at the company I work for. At least 6 years doing most of the tasks I do. Of course I am bored. Ravelry at work doesn’t help either because I just look at project after project and desperately wish I was at home knitting. I have finally learned not to stay logged into Ravelry all day and be tempted.

The regaining of focus I think stems from finally committing to the not getting involved and staying above all of the hate and bitter. It is difficult being involved in that for so long. Co workers want to chat about it all the time. I try to change the subject but it always comes back around. I am worried that my commitment to this may change since we have a staff meeting tomorrow and the consensus is that it will not be a happy,  pleasant or tolerable one. 

I am now attempting to come up with ideas on how to maintain my newfound attitude. Knitting will not be allowed during this meeting at all, although it would benefit not just me.  I think I just need to walk in with my attitude firm and let snideness roll right off, remembering that this job is not my life and does not define me. My hobbies, my family, my friends, my loves and passions define who I am, not being a pretend accountant amongst a bunch of bitter angry people.  I think the best way is to have a sense of humor about the insanity of what goes on in the office. When I relate some stories, it always seems worse at the time but is actually really funny how people act and are extremely predictable.

If anyone has any ideas on how to maintain a positive attitude, how to let remarks roll off of you etc please let me know. It would be wonderful to get some perspective on this.

After work tomorrow, I plan on checking out my house and maybe getting some pictures. I decided recently that I need to get more pictures to remind me of life and times and places and living in the moment. Maybe I will join a 365 project or just start tomorrow instead of making plans to start something and just do it. 

This has been another blah blah blah entry. Must be more interesting.

Current Listening: silence and the ringing of my ears

For reals this time… October 13, 2009

So it’s been a while…like two months. I am finally going to start keeping up and keeping this blog as a real life journal like it’s supposed to be.

I turned 29 the other day and feel mostly fine about it. In my 28th year, I quit drinking alcohol and caffeine. There are several times a week/month where I feel the need to splurge on one or both but I am too crazy to give in because that means I lose. So, alcohol free for almost a year and caffeine free for almost 8 months. Also, it has been 4 months since my last mental breakdown. Meds seem to be working and I am mostly putting one foot in front of the other. Some days are better than others. I seem to be becoming more well adjusted in public and have made a couple of day road trips. Hopefully this time next year, most of my anxiety will be banished and I will have a hard time calling myself the girl that never goes out.

The most exciting/stressful thing lately is that I have bought a house. It’s being built and will be ready in January. I am completely bent out of shape and stressed and feel this intense pressure all the time about it until I walk through the partially framed house alone and I feel at peace and very happy. I have a feeling once it is completely framed that I will be spending quality time there alone on Sundays during the building process (kinda like on Scrubs when JD hangs out on his empty lot on the porch). Some light packing has occurred around my apartment which is nice too. There is still a long way to go and so much I want to do. My sister is going to help me pick out colors for the rooms and such.

One of the major things I am jazzed about is knowing that 30 years ago it wouldn’t have been possible for me to buy a home as a single woman and just be me on the title. It is extremely satisfying. Although there were/are times during the process (at least 6 weeks of looking at houses) where I wish I did have a partner to lean on when it got to be too much. I have an amazing realtor so the process hasn’t been too bad.

My goal is still to hopefully get a new job by the time I am 30. I am not happy with my job but I am lucky to have a seemingly stable job and with a mortgage payment coming soon I need it. The plan may have to be put off. But finally after 9 years, I have finally learned to be above all the hate and bitter and anger that seems to flood all around. My department is all women so it seems worse. I hate when women tear other women or keep them down to make themselves look better to male superiors. I don’t get it and refuse to participate.

Do I have any goals for the last year of my 20s? I think it is a safe bet not to set any and see what happens. Hopefully my mental health will progress and things will fall favorably. Although I am hoping most of my posts will not be so introspective and blah blah blah. I hope to document funny and interesting stuff too. I am also going to start blogging more on the three other blogs I have going with my friend Daniella Marie. The links should be on the side, Mouthy Maries, Socks Debunked and Indie As. I have a post going up tomorrow on Indie As about what song I cannot stop in my head.

Current Listening: NPR Live Concert-Jason Lytle

It has begun August 11, 2009

This year is going to be different. In fact, it already is. I have a mostly completed list. I have most of the yarn purchased and actually am about 50% done with the first one. I am talking about my knitting holy grail. Christmas. For the past few years, I have been saying 95% of my Christmas gifts will be handmade and failed miserably everytime. But the main difference between this year and past years is that I made the decisions not at the end of November/beginning of December, I made the decisions in AUGUST. *taps head* I really thought this through this year and I am insanely proud of myself for it.

So far I am about $185 in for 12 people’s gifts. Pretty cheap compared to prior years. I just need the time. Lucky for me, I got picked for jury duty yesterday and will be at the courthouse at least until Friday if not next Monday. While waiting yesterday I finished the knitting portion of the bag Propeller by the awesome Kelley Deal. I just need to make the straps and duplicate stitch the pattern on the bag. No pics yet but soon.

While I plan to knit all of my Christmas presents, knit two pairs of socks a month as apart of the Cookie A sock along and SKA sock along, I will also be looking into buying a house. I am pretty jazzed and think it is wise for me to load up my plate to keep myself busy. My closest friends will be starting school again in a couple of weeks and won’t be able to hang out as much. Crazy, yes?

Here are some pics of previously mentioned projects:

Evangeline Gloves (inner goth)

Vilai in progress

Need to move laundry around and figure out what to wear to court today.

Current Listening: Sound Opinions Podcast

Socks aren’t just for times of mental illness… August 5, 2009

I decided to join in on the Sock alongs on Ravelry (Cookie A and Sock Knitters Anonymous). This month I have casted on for both of the Cookie A socks in the along and both I think may need to be frogged. I think I may knit tighter top down on magic loop. I’m not sure. The last 5 pairs of socks that I have knit have been straight no patterned socks and they are pretty boring but good for times when I am not totally with it. I have a routine down, a sock needle size, stitch count and then I go at it. I knit with my usual 2s and they are a bit tight. It’s a bit more upsetting because of the pattern taking much longer than normal socks. So they are now in time out.

I think I am going to cast on for Christmas presents tomorrow and get started on my partial list. December is going to come quickly and I have a blanket, several hats, several scarves and a halter top on 5s to knit. I hope to document this process a lot better this year since I am really going to make the attempt to knit most of my gifts.

Current Listening Michael and Michael Have Issues.

My New Toy and such July 25, 2009

I got a netbook the other day and it’s good and bad. Now I can watch stuff from the internet and be on the internet from bed or wherever from my house instead of sitting in a horrible uncomfortable chair. That’s good. The bad thing is that I never want to leave my bed or house now. I can listen to all sorts of stuff, stream old episodes of This American Life, listen to NPR, stream records, mp3s, watch tv episodes I missed, see movies. I think though that the initial obsessiveness will wear off and I will use it like a normal person soon enough.

With my knitting I am continuing to be productive. I made two baby earflap hats using Dani’s pattern and worsted wool. (I would post a pic but I am using previously mentioned netbook from bed and do not have the pic on this computer). You can see it on my Ravelry page though. I made them to donate to charity and will probably make more for charity and to set aside for my siblings’ future offspring.

Continuing on my destashing kick, I decided yesterday morning to embrace my inner goth and make black elbow length cabled fingerless gloves out of an alpaca wool blend yarn. When I pulled out my project at the yarn store yesterday, Dani thought I was kidding on the twitter. I was not. I am about ready to split off for the thumb on the first glove so I am making good time on them and will totally post pictures when done.

All is good for now. I will be in bed knitting and listening to NPR live concerts all morning until it’s time to force myself into the shower and to the yarn store to hang out.

Current Listening: NPR Live Concerts The White Stripes

I’m Alone. That’s Okay. July 20, 2009

I am now 4 down on the big 1001 albums before I die project, 997 to go. I scribbled notes about everything under the moon while listening to those 4 records. I will hopefully get them in a coherent order and blog about it. After all the scribbling of the notes, I was mentally spent. It was like I opened my head and shook out all of my thoughts, which was fairly good.

What I figured out early on was that there are so many things I have always wanted to learn and know and research about music in general and the role it plays in our lives, I am especially interested in the gender politics in music, of fans and artists. I hope it will make an interesting read for the two people that read my blog and maybe make some sort of step towards school and maybe researching this topic in depth.

Meanwhile, my yarn stash has gotten a bit more out of control since the last time I attempted the stashbust. So I have gotten way more serious about it and am trying to crank out easy, quick projects. My favorite so far is my Malabrigo Morrissey button hat (thanks Dani for the pic! I take horrible pictures).

I made another one like it and will attach my peppermint White Stripes button. When I get pics of the other stuff I have made in the last week, I will post and probably create a separate page for all of it since I am journaling what I am knitting while listening to the 1001 albums of doom.

Current Listening: Elliott Smith (It’s gloomy outside and I am gloomy on the inside. Thanks last night’s dream. That was cool of you.)

A Plan July 19, 2009

I have a plan. I have loved music so much since I was a young child and me and my dad would watch MTV. Last year I got the insane idea that I would go album by album through the book 1001 Records You Must Hear Before You Die. I listened to a couple I already had (see repost below) and kind of got too intimidated by it. I AM GOING TO COMMIT TO DOING THIS IN THE SHORTEST AMOUNT OF TIME POSSIBLE. I have been in a rut lately music wise. I listen but haven’t really felt much and it’s upsetting. The one record this year that I absolutely adore above any other is the Dead Weather’s “Horehound.” It kicked the cobwebs out of the part of my brain that hearts the music and shook it alive. I want to figure out why I love the music I love and discover some music I may have missed out on.

The way I am going to slowly walk into the water (instead of jumping off the high diving board) is by going backwards, starting with the 2000s. I have plenty of the albums listed but am missing quite a few too. It will give me a chance to revisit some of those albums and find the reasons why I love them/hate them/nothing them.

I am going to let the experiment begin and detail it between here and probably Indie As. Plus it will give me something to really focus on while I am knitting mindless projects with stash yarn. More on that later since I actually am starting to make progress.

First album up on the EXPERIMENT: The White Stripes “Get Behind Me Satan”

Sept 2008 Repost: Pavement Says Nothing to Me about Me and My Life July 19, 2009

My theory on what makes a good record is this: my favorite song on the record constantly changes and if each song on the record has been my favorite, it is an excellent record and I never ever want to live without it. I feel it’s pretty simple. My top 5 records of all time (which aren’t really 5-there is a top 4 and the 5th one rotates because I can’t commit) are records I would die without.

So today I started my project of listening to all 1001 albums from “1001 Albums You Must Hear Before You Die.” With each record, I want to try to figure what makes each of these records an “essential” record that a person must hear before they die. I am really excited about this because there are so many records out there that I haven’t heard and have always wanted to. I want to learn more about other genres of music, think about some of my favorite records in a different way and hopefully discover a lot of stuff out there that I never even dreamed to be apart of my music collection.

Flipping though the book before, I noticed some records that I don’t care to revisit or even hear in their entirety. I thought about skipping those records but I won’t learn from them and I would be cheating and that would kill me. So, I want to try to listen to each one more than once, even the dreaded ones. I can’t decide whether to post all my thoughts and such about it on this blog or start a separate one. For now, here’s what I listened to today:

Bjork “Medulla”: I bought this record the second day it came out as it wasn’t in any of the 5 stores I went to the day it did come out. I plan to revisit the documentary about the making of Medulla and the videos this week. After 10+ years of trying to push Bjork onto other people, I have finally come to understand that she is a very abrasive artist, even at her quietest. I admire her to no end for her strength and vision and when she sings, I feel it in my gut. It is very comforting to know that I get to revisit two more of her records before this project is over (Vespertine and Debut) although my favorite record of hers and of all time, Homogenic, didn’t make the list.

Anyway, this was the record that was done with only voices (except a gong somewhere). My favorite track (it changes but it usually comes back to this one) is “Show Me Forgiveness.” It gives me goosebumps every time I hear it and sometimes brings tears if I am in a mood. She is singing alone about losing her faith in herself and forgiving herself for it. It is powerful and it is something I have experienced time and time again. One of the major reasons why she is one of my favorite artists is that she has a strong woman’s perspective in her music. I feel like she is singing for, to, and about me and other women. I don’t feel that too often when I listen to music, especially indie rock. I feel it’s not for me, as a girl/woman. I feel like I have snuck my way in. i am posting her performance of “Pleasure is All Mine” from Coachella 2007. It’s another song that gives me goosebumps and the chills when I hear it, especially the line “women like us strengthen most.”

Depeche Mode “Music for the Masses”: I hadn’t listened to this record in years and only listened to it twice today and kept on getting interrupted during. I did notice the recurring theme in some of their songs about “little girl(s)” in “Little 15″ “Behind the Wheel” and “Enjoy the Silence” (from Violator). When I figured that out this morning, I was immediately fascinated. I cannot wait to look into this more but not tonight as I am exhausted. I am going to listen to this record a couple more times tomorrow. I do know that my favorite song on this record is and will always be “Behind the Wheel.” I have no rhyme or reason behind it but it’s perfection.

I need to load some records I haven’t heard onto the ipod and get myself down to the library and check out some cds. This is good project.

Goodnight.

A Little Bit of Knowledge… July 9, 2009

It’s no secret that I am a total nerd for This American Life. Ira Glass is the bee’s knees and so on. I haven’t been able to get enough of the show so I have been downloading episodes from itunes to listen to at work (I would stream them from the site but I don’t have speakers on my computer). Yesterday I heard the episode titled “A Little Bit of Knowledge,” one of the acts talks about beliefs that are completely not true or normal that are held into adulthood. Since it was just the 4th of July, it reminds me of the thing I thought everyone else did until I was 19.

As a child, I really thought my family was the most normal family, not that my family is a band of gypsies or anything but I really thought everyone’s family was just like mine. I thought everyone’s dad worked on motorcycles, rode motorcycles, had a garage so orderly like a workshop with posters and such, listened to hard rock, had tattoos on their forearms. I figured out mid elementary school that it was not the case. I went to school before year round school became more prevalent so I never talked to kids in school about the 4th of July.

I never realized until having a conversation at work with my friend Tara, that people do not normally light sprinklers and fireworks with a blowtorch. I really thought everyone did that and that was completely normal. So I was talking nonchalantly about dad getting out the blowtorch and how my sister, Diana, wouldn’t go near sparklers since she was burned a little bit when she was like 6 (totally thinking the being afraid of sparklers was odd.) I will never forget the look on my friend’s face.

She said “blowtorch?”
I was like “yeah don’t you use a blowtorch? what?”
and she was like “NO.”
I was like “really? Not even to light sparklers?”
“NO Christina.”
“oh.”

When I got off of work, I drove straight home and told my parents that OTHER PEOPLE DO NOT USE A BLOWTORCH ON THE 4TH OF JULY NOT EVEN FOR SPARKLERS. IT IS DANGEROUS. Dad thought it was pretty funny. To be fair to my dad, us kids didn’t use the blowtorch, he just did. When the kids lit off the fireworks, we would use the lighter that people use to light candles. But still. Insane. It made me think about whatever else odd thing that my parents thought it was an okay thing to do.

My dad also told us that the “punks” (I’m not sure if they are even called that-who knows how much lying was done), the sticks that looked like sparklers but didn’t sparkle they just kept the light to light fireworks, was made of “camel shit.” Looking back on that now too, I suppose they are not. I could do research but I think I will make an educated guess that I am correct in my new assessment.

Current Listening-The Dead Weather “Horehound”

Spinning Machine, I will be. July 6, 2009

With the change in my medication, I have been having a hard time focusing on anything for longer than 15 minutes. Needless to say, I am pretty frustrated. I tried to gauge swatch for a couple of things, tried watching Daily Show online, tried watch a movie, tried reading (and actually did finish a book and half way through two other books but mostly though I spent a bulk of my 3 day weekend just bouncing from room to room in my apartment frustrated.

Saturday was the beginning of the Tour de France meaning it was the start of the awesome Tour de Fleece. Spinners (and non spinners like me trying to be a spinner) spin everyday during the Tour to eat up stash, set personal goals and such. It’s pretty fun. My dear friend Daniella Marie bought me a spindle a month back and taught me how to spin. I have been slowly learning but still focusing on my knitting. During my vacation, I completed two pairs of socks and afterwords, picked back up my massive Girasole blanket (pattern by Jared Flood). I was trucking along, having tinked back 640 painful stitches while watching the Michael Jackson coverage, and finished a couple of the charts, only two have my two cables (separately) break on me.

I finally got back to the spinning on Saturday while at Dani’s house. We listened to a couple of records and recorded a podcast for Indie As, our music blog, about the two records we listened to and it slowly descended into our regular argument about Karen O and being “bigger than the sound.” I spun a little bit but not much since I was frustrated with my spinning not progressing fast enough. Dani spun a ton of stuff and will be adding to her shop what she spins and drum cards. Anyway, all the babbling leads to this…IT CLICKED this morning. I did a ton better today, not perfect but way better. I feel pretty good about it and cannot wait for the almost pound of roving I ordered last week to get here. Spinning machine, I will be!

Current Listening: MSNBC