My efforts to gracefully stumble towards 30 started over a year ago. I have been dealing with chronic depression and anxiety since I was 13 and before last April, I had been on and off medication for a few years. I had convinced myself that being on medication would change who I was and even though I may not be the happiest with myself, there are things I do like. I love my uncool hobbies that I love more than most things and people in life with an intensity reserved only for that. I like that I have a strong personality (when I am not in the midst of a major downturn).
All that changed though last April with a major depression I had never felt before. It felt that my insides were shaking and I couldn’t think or feel anything but that. It was scary and horrible and didn’t stop for weeks. I had no idea what was going to happen to me but I immediately went to the doctor and started back on medication. The sucky thing about anti depressants is that it takes 4-6 weeks to build up in your system. I disappeared from life other than work and my parents’ house. Friends didn’t hear or see me for weeks. Eventually, the shaking stopped but the medication at the time wasn’t right for me. Since then, I have tried out 4 other medications and have various meltdowns. I am hoping this new one works and I just came home after being at my mom’s house for a month to deal with it. When I am in a downturn, it’s hard to live alone and I am extremely lucky to have a supportive family and a few understanding close friends, who just wants me to get better and live my life.
My goals to help keep the downturns away are:
-to attempt daily blogging either here or the two other blogs I share with my dearest friend Daniella Marie
-read more (Right now I am reading shorter and less intense books to get me back on the path but have some feminist reading and music criticism and bios to read)
-join a local activist group and get out in the community
-go back to school. I am stuck in a rut with my job (more on the joys of my workplace later)
-attempt an organized life (I feel it will organize my head if I am more organized)
Anyway, no more soul baring. Time to look at getting a new record player with way better sound.
Current Listening: Sonic Youth- Live at Battery Park LP 7/4/08
