Today is the Day January 12, 2010

Today is the big day that I go on my walk through for the house and sign the papers. I won’t get the keys until tomorrow but today. is. the. day. Since I agreed to buy the house in October, I haven’t been excited about it. I talk to people and they are more excited about it than I was. People I am not close to or anything. It was weird. I regretted buying it. I was dreading it. Everything.

Friday it really hit me, when my closing date was moved up to today. I couldn’t sleep that night because of all of the plans running through my head. It was bananas.  Also at the beginning of last week, I came down with another cold and some sort of stomach thing. So I have been packing, resting, cleaning, not packing enough, stressing, and then when the lights go out and I am settling down my mind amps up. I can’t wait to get the keys and get the airbed pumped up, yarn there, posters up on Wednesday night. I will get the rest of the apt packed and cleaned before the movers come a week from Saturday, I will get some of the walls painted in the house, everything will happen by when it is supposed to happen. Things will turn around because I am going to turn them around. I can’t wait for the universe to do it for me anymore. I can’t wait to be magically fixed.

Also the past three months, I have been stressing about the worst that can happen. What is the worst thing that could happen? Well my bestie Dani paid Michael Ian Black to tell me on the twitter last week. “@blackcoldheart, don’t worry about buying your 1st house. The worst that happens is they foreclose and you die on the streets.”

That is the worst that can happen. At least I will have tried and my records, yarn and I had our separate rooms for a bit.  

Current Listening: Karen O and the Kids “Worried Shoes”

It took a long time to come… January 8, 2010

So it is the new year and I have been rather neglectful of my blogs. I have many many excuses: 

-have packing, cleaning and organizing to do for house move. closing 1/21

-got another cold.  been laying in bed avoiding packing and such trying to get better

-the british comedies on hulu are not going to watch themselves. excuse #2 has helped this one.

participating in three THREE sock knit alongs this month because of my no buy yarn 2010 policy so trying to win

-getting better about watching netflix dvds. again, not going to watch themselves.

-it’s January and it’s time for me to work extra hours for free because of my bookkeeper/babysitter job.

So while I have not been blogging, I have been doing a lot of thinking (as usual). I have decided this 2010 year is my year. Things are going to turn around for old girlnevergoesout. New house, organization, separate rooms for music and yarn, more room to think and roam around, new goals.

I have stopped believing in New Year’s Resolutions. They are nothing but made of absolute fail. So I have a few goals that I hope are attainable:

-Keep sane during the month of January. No losing my shit.

-Lose not gain weight in 2010.

-Love my house and be grateful I am in the place I am in life to do this.

-Listen and enjoy more music. I will have a room dedicated to it and I have not given my collection enough attention.

-Knit only from yarn stash this year. I hope to reduce it by half? We will see.

-Really start documenting my life and living it.

-Read. Read. Read. I am not well read and have many serious feminist books to read on my bookshelf, although they will make me angry at the world and completely frustrated.

There are a few new year songs out there. I have decided my favorite is “This Will Be Our Year” by Ok Go (originally by the Zombies) I heard it first in 2004 on the Moveon.org 2004 compilation. 2004 was a pivotal year in my life. It wasn’t my year but the choices and decisions I made still follow me to this day and in my dreams. I am going to reverse that this year. I will be 30 this year and plan to accept it gracefully. (I suppose we will see when October rolls around).

Anyway, off to work to work on goal #1.

Current Listening: Ok Go “This Will Be Our Year”

Disappearing December 27, 2009

With Christmas done, I am now going to start packing up the apartment for the new house. It still feels pretty weird and I don’t believe the house is really going to be mine. There’s still some things I need to submit to the bank this week and get in order.

Also being a bookkeeper/babysitter, it’s year end. I am expected to pull overtime for free in January especially. I have accepted the fact that I will be super stressed, super low on patience with the outside world, and will just be wishing to crawl under a rock in January.

I have over the Christmas holiday weekend, finished a sock and am about a quarter through the second sock. I am pleased with myself over that. In January I want to try to keep up with the 2 interesting sock a longs. I have picked fairly easy patterns for the month.

With that, I need to go to bed. Tomorrow starts the next month of hellish activities and behaviors. I need to be rested and ready to go.

Current Listening: Neko Case-Blacklisted

Very Quickly December 21, 2009

I have three days left. Well actually less. My family opens presents on Christmas Eve. I never knew why. It was something else that distincts us from other families. So less than three days.

I gave up on the Steggie. Something had to be cut and learning intarsia properly by 12/24, will not work. So I have to finish the Who? hat plus a Ysolda hat plus beer cozies and block the big fat fern afghan. Totally can happen but my gramma is flying in from South Dakota today so time spent visiting is not time spent blocking and knitting my family’s presents. Although I did manage to work on the Who? hat in front of my brother without him noticing. I am always knitting something.

Another snag to the plan is that I have no clean laundry, need to pay my bills, buy more buttons for stuff, and a million other things to do before Thursday. So this morning when I woke up cranky at 5:30, what did I do? I should be saying finished up the Who hat but no I laid in bed and caught up on three months of the Yarn Harlot’s blog.

Am I setting myself up for failure? No doubt.

Figuring it out December 16, 2009

I think I am lonely. It makes me sad because I want to live this quiet, isolated life. I am far too shy and awkward to make friends. When I try to be open in public situations, I feel I come off weird.

I am happy that I bought a house. I am also happy that I am doing it alone because women 40 years ago couldn’t. It’s progress. A little part of me was hoping though I would have a partner in crime to do this with and feel less alone.

Since my last relationship, I have become a total mess. My house is a mess, I am a mess, everything in my life is a mess. It was a messy relationship, if you could call it that. When the mess in the relationship ended, I kind of fell apart and I don’t like myself for that. It goes against everything I stand for.

Tonight I was going to spend the time after work and clean up some stuff and pack but I seriously have too much knitting to do. I will have time I guess to maybe put some pieces back together in 8 days. Until then, I will have to make due. Hopefully I can put the pieces back together. It doesn’t look good at times though.

Current Listening: Gillian Welch-Revival

Why? December 14, 2009

I have started a new blog. Yes another freaking blog. Why would I do that when I neglect 4 other blogs? Because this one is different. I am forcing myself to post everyday and I am finally doing something that I babbled about on this blog for like a year. On Saturday, I started listening to the 1001 albums you must hear before you die. Right now, I am starting with the 2000s and with records I already own. I will hopefully start to dive into unheard records in the next week. This truly will be a journey of my past present and future music loves and hates. Hopefully it will be fun and interesting and something I can follow through on.

http://1001recordsbefore2011.wordpress.com

I know what won’t happen December 11, 2009

I have been sleeping way too much. Every night it is a struggle to stay up past 6:30. I don’t know if it is the sickness or the thyroid or sadface but it is causing me to be in bed pretty much from the moment I get home at night until I get in the shower to go back to work. Last weekend after the Morrissey show, I spent the rest of the weekend in a bed, if not my own, my mom’s.

I have a list of goals I would like to tackle this weekend:

knitting knitting knitting. get Di’s shawlette done and at least a few hats.

take pictures of the presents to update my Ravelry project page.

start my blog for 1001 records before 2011.

see the house with mom and sisters and go to lowes to figure out things I need to budget.

start a budget for 2010.

laundry.

I plan on getting a jump start tonight but the pressure in the face is already there and will probably have another early night. To be finished would be a relief.

Current Listening: silence.

14 Days Left… December 10, 2009

I have two weeks until Christmas Eve, when my family opens presents. I don’t feel the panic quite yet since I have been working late and been sick. I am now on the mend a bit and need to power through the following:

finish the last 198 yds of heaven shawl

finish the fishnet stockings

finish the steggie hoodie

fingerless gloves

and at least 6 hats for the boys in my family.

Now I am feeling the worry. Oops. So instead of blogging I will get back to knitting.

This week I have been mostly (mostly meaning there was an hour when I was stomping around and annoyed) mellow. Things have been rolling off my back, I have focus, I don’t want to punch anyone in the face. Maturity? I hope so. It’s about time it kicked in. Maybe I can stick with the job and enjoy my new house in the new year. It would be the easiest route for now until I get settled and in a groove with the money situation.

Okay. Going to knit a few rows before work.

Current Listening: Where the Wild Things Are OST

Infection? December 7, 2009

I feel my cold turning into infection and also must have some sort of stomach thing. Every time I eat, I feel yucky. Yesterday I went from my bed to check out my house to my mom’s bed to her couch and then back to my bed at home. I got very little knitting done yesterday. After the crazy that was Friday, I have figured out that I am slipping back into a depression again, which depresses me even more. I don’t know how to fix this and I don’t want to resign myself for this being a life long thing anymore. I WANT A FIX AND A FIX NOW. I find myself unmotivated to do anything but lay in bed, knit, watch internet tv or listening to books/podcasts/music. I have a busy couple of months in the future. After Christmas, I need to pack and clean out like there is no tomorrow but first I have to finish these Christmas gifts. Maybe if I knit somewhere where it isn’t my bed or my couch, I would feel better.

I just need to move my thoughts from the negative to at least the neutral and if I can muster it, the positive. Hopefully in a few days I will be better and be a bit happier about life. Right now, I feel a bit of a struggle. Also checking out the comments on Morrissey-Solo, does not help. More on that later when I try to deconstruct Friday’s events. I am still pondering over it.

My goodness, I need a life or better shit to do.

Current Listening: NPR Planet Money Podcast

Current Project: 198 yards of Heaven (shawl)

Processing December 5, 2009

I have an epic post I started yesterday. It’s saved and may pop up at a later date.

I am still processing the happenings from yesterday. Last night was the Morrissey show here in Las Vegas. It didn’t go how I envisioned (but what does really in life). I learned some life lessons and Morrissey took my note. Later in the week when I have really worked it all out, I will post about it so I can remember every little  bit of this.

Anyway, my body feels beat up (as it should) and I am still trying to get over this cold. I have 19 days until Christmas and still tons of knitting to do. I am almost done with the body of the Steggie hoodie from Knitty so the goal is to maybe push through that this weekend. It does include intarsia sleeves so fingers crossed that I can more than muddle through that or I may just be gifting a black hoodie.

Later today I have a drs appointment and there was discussion of popping in to a yarn store, hopefully before the appointment.    

Current Listening: David Cross-I Drink for a Reason